"Mummy, you always don't allow me to go!"
"You never let me have fun!"
Continuing last week's topic on managing children's tantrums, there might be moments when our child's words really push our buttons. As a parent or teacher, we would always give our all in caring for our little ones. But when things go south for them as they experience moments where they are not able to figure out their expressions, their emotions may get in the way because of their brain's development. This is when they may start using harsh words or even actions on us, which often make us hurt too. How we choose to react will be the key: do we bite our tongue and let it go, or do we usually end up letting our emotions win and lecture our children?
Tips To Consider
While we accept that occasions happen where we end up lashing out at our kids, what can we do moving forward, so that we don't regret our actions post-tantrums? In addition, children are children, they truly do not understand how to control themselves yet. They are still learning about themselves and their world.
The key is to gain more awareness of our self, what/when is the tipping point and what to do when we sense that. From not knowing what our tipping points are, to recognising what are these tipping points and then later, stepping away once we sense it. All of these take time and small steps to become a part of us - we can't expect ourselves to change immediately. Remember, we are human and humans make mistakes. There is always another chance to do better. Recognise your little improvements each episode, and you will get there!
During the episode
Rather than going on a rampage to tell your child all the things that you have done for him/her and it seems like he/she doesn't appreciate it, give both of you some time away from each other first: "I am really upset now, I will come back to you, let us talk about this later." Remember how we discussed about taking time to breathe and process your emotions and thoughts? It definitely helps here to take some time off!
Other than time-out from each other, we suggest to take the opportunity to let your child know how you feel and also, give him/her the words to express without making you upset:
"Jerry, it makes me really upset when you say that I never let you play and I always don't let you go out. If you are upset with me, can you try telling me what it was that I made you angry, such as you reallyyyyy wanted to go for that outing on Sunday instead of staying home? And I think we can talk about that and come to an agreement instead of being shouted at. You wouldn't like it if I shouted at you, right?"
This method can be really difficult when we are annoyed and trying to problem-solve nicely with our children.
"Nicely = the way we hope to be guided when we are in wrong."
After the episode
Go back to your child later and explain why you needed time off: "When you screamed at me earlier on, it made me really mad. And you were upset with me for not allowing you to go to the outing on Sunday. I am not upset anymore and ready to think of a solution with you. Let me know when you are ready to discuss too and we can work out something ok?"
When heat rises during situations, emotions can get in the way for both children and adults. By giving both of you space and a good method to work it out amicably, it tells your child that problems cannot be solved in the moment of heat.