"Stop with your crying or nonsense!"
"Stop crying and I will give you candy."
-Just let child wail and roll on the floor-
Have you come across such (tantrum) situations in your parenting days? How do they work out to be?
Let's have a thinker about the situation of wailing and lying on the floor, what do you usually do? Do you give in right away or be firmed about it? If you're firm, how do you reason with your child?
When our child has his/her moments, it can trigger our "nerves" and often lead to frustrations. Our parenting style would also influence how we face and resolve our children's tantrums. It may range from commanding them to stop their cries or reasoning out with them or pacifying them with a distraction/treat or letting them wail till they stop. Do these methods work, all the time?
In our parenting journey, we always hope to have one single method that can solve all the problems, like how we are taught in some school (eg., A + B = C). However, this is a field that we know a method that works for one parent might not work for another, a method that works for your first born might not work for your youngest.
While we try to find the best way to handle tantrums, let's take a pause here to understand how a brain develops. I believe when we understand this, we can better manage each situation. And probably connect better to their developmental growth. In other words, kids who are still in the midst of growing, will need more help to understand how to handle their emotions, and connect the logical side of their brains to the emotions' side. Adults will need to take time and communicate with them to show them the connection and even "set limits" so that children understand the do's and don'ts. When kids are limited with ideas to resolve their needs, they "vent".
Tips To Consider
First and foremost, when we face a tantrum, try as much as possible to stay calm. Take breaths and moments before your first response will allow you to process your thoughts and emotions. This also prevents an outburst of your emotions on your child who is going through the rollercoaster form of feelings. This outburst may possibly pass onto your child and create a greater outburst of feelings.
The following set of tips follows connecting the right brain to the left. To provide some instances in this set of tips, I would like to use an example that occurred in my classroom during break. I have 3-year-old who lovesssss his food and snack time is his favourite time of the lesson. One day during snack time, he was really upset when he could not get more snacks.
If his/her tantrums allow, ask if you could hug or carry him/her.
Help your child first recognise the emotions and acknowledge them by telling him/her what you see. This is important to help you child put a name/reference to this feeling.
"I see that you are really sad now." Meanwhile, give your child time to process this feeling and allow him/her to cry. Repeat the names of the emotions, including angry, upset to better label them in the situation.
Show and tell him/her that you are there while he/she is feeling negative. Being there for your child gives him/her assurances of your support and provides him/her a sense of security. It can also enhance and build on your relationship with your child that he/she knows that he/she can rely on you when he/she is vulnerable.
"It's alright to cry because you are sad. I am here waiting for you and you can hug me."
Share that while you are waiting, you can talk about the situation when he/she is ready. He/she can show you that he/she is ready by stopping his cry. It is important to not rush into the conversation, be it whether your child is in the right or wrong, because while they are expressing their outburst of feelings, no words can get through their ears. They will only add onto their frustrations!
"I know that you are sad, I'll wait for you and when you are ready, we can talk about it."
When your child's emotions are calmer and the cries have almost disappear, slowly get into the topic. Talk about what happened, acknowledge the emotions, provide your reasonings and how to resolve it.
"Were you sad because I said no to more snacks?"
His reply: (Nods his head)
"I know that you really love the biscuits, especially the strawberry biscuit."
His reply: (Nods his head)
"But we ate quite a lot of biscuits today, that is why teacher said no more. If we have more, we might cough and we cannot come to school tomorrow. Then we won't be able to play together. That will be sad right?"
His response: (He slowly came to acceptance of the reasonings and acknowledged what I said)
"Shall we have more of the strawberry biscuits tomorrow?
His response: YES!
It is very important to avoid providing the option that your child wants and go back on your intentions, which in this case, would have been me giving him more strawberry biscuits after his tantrums. If I were to do this, it would reflect that my limits can be stretched as long as he throws a tantrum. This can and will possibly amplify in the future. Therefore, when resolving a tantrum, keep to your stand, reason out in more ways to your child to explain your stand.
However, if his/her tantrums do not allow, due to some kicking or hitting involved,
It is first important to protect yourself from it and avoid restraining him/her. You do not have to control your child just because you can physically withstand the kicks.
Give him/her time to calm down. Remember, no words can go through or be processed by your child now, he/she needs time to let out his emotions.
Should these physical movements continue on for awhile, slowly, calmly go to step 1: share what you observe your child feeling and that you will wait for him/her to calm down and stop kicking. If he/she were to kick or hit you, share that it is painful for you and it is not right to do so.
When it is safe, embrace and hug your child, and slowly go through the steps above.