My Child Is Too Shy!

"Boy, call Uncle"

(No response)

"Ahh, he is very shy... "

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What Expert Says?

You must have heard of parents (your parents' generation or your friends) describing their child as 'shy' when their children do not greet other adults, or when their children hide behind them upon meeting.

It is a question, why are children shy? Is it in their genes, or is it because of social factors? It can be because of genes that children (and eventually, adults) are shy - this is their temperament (how they interact with the world). But! A supportive social environment can help shy children become more confident and comfortable with people.

We can take a look at a theory formulated by a renowned developmental psychologist, Erik Erikson[1], to help us understand human's social development.

(Image taken from Practical Psychology)

Erikson's 8 Stages of Psychosocial Development was written to describe various stages in one's development. During each stage, an individual will experience what is described to be a psychosocial crisis (or, a "developmental task") and this would result in either a positive or negative outcome for one's personality development. These developmental tasks reflect our key motivation at different ages. The 8 stages are:

• Stage 1 (Birth to 2 years): Trust (v.s Mistrust) & Hope

  • Existential Question: Can I trust the world?

• Stage 2 (2 to 4 years): Autonomy (v.s Shame) & Will

  • Existential Question: Is it okay to be me?

• Stage 3 (3 to ~4/5 years): Initiative (v.s Guilt) & Purpose

  • Existential Question: Is it okay for me to do, to move, and to act the way I want?

• Stage 4 (6 to 12 years): Industry (v.s Inferiority) & Competence

  • Existential Question: Can I make it to the world of people and things?

• Stage 5 (12 to 18 years): Identity (v.s Role Confusion) & Fidelity

  • Existential Question: Who am I? What can I be?

• Stage 6 (18 to 40 years): Intimacy (v.s Isolation) & Love

  • Existential Question: Do I have anyone to love? Can I love?

• Stage 7 (40 to 65 years): Generativity (v.s Stagnation) & Care

  • Existential Question: Can I make my life count?

• Stage 8 (65 years and above): Ego Integrity (v.s Despair) & Wisdom

  • Existential Question: Is it okay to have been me?

Age appears in a bracket as these stages occur in "sensitive periods" and the key "crisis" will be resolved before a new "crisis" appears. To put this simply, infants (from birth to 2 years old) will need to develop a sense of trust and this can happen through consistent love and support from his/her primary caregiver (usually the mother). The positive outcome in this stage is that a child develops a sense that he can have hope to count on his/her environmental support for his psychological and social needs. On the other hand, the negative outcome is the child developing basic mistrust and suspicions of others. There is a continuum in these two extreme outcomes and the result can occur anywhere along it. This development at Stage 1 then ends at about 2 years old and the result will be carried forward with the child onto Stage 2.

In our current post's discussion on children's shyness, we will focus on the first 4 stages of Erikson's Theory.

In the first stage as explained above, parents (especially mothers) help infants build trust by giving them full attention and assistance. This development builds trust and without it, children will develop fear of being on their own (on the other extreme).

In Stage 2, children will develop self-control and decision-making (Remember the point when your child started wanting to choose what they wear and what to eat? This is it!). Giving children autonomy (choices) will help them learn what they can control and develop a sense of free will. On the other end, the negative outcome at this stage is children developing a sense of shame and doubting his/her abilities (everything is out of their control).

In the third stage, family members can help children develop capacities to initiate and explore by letting children initiate what to do, without being a tail. The negative outcome of this stage would be that a child develops a feeling of guilt where they may feel condemned when they are told not to do certain things.

In the fourth stage, the individual is building a sense of competence. This can be facilitated by parents, teachers and his/her friends when one experiences a series of success and mastery situations and receive recognition. The negative outcome here will be one developing a sense of inferiority.

Seeing these four stages that cover infancy to early adolescence can help us get some sense of how children's social development occurs. Back to the topic of shyness, a child can be shy because of his/her mistrust with the world as a result of Stage 1's development. At Stage 2, if he/she is not given choices and was controlled, he/she may develop a sense of shame which can add onto the 'shyness'. In Stage 3, the development of guilt may affect how he/she appears and being unwilling to initiate and explore, especially in a new setting. Lastly at Stage 4, feeling inferior will lead to one not being confident, thus adding onto his/her unwillingness to be in the open (=shy).

A little thinker for you: What can we do now to have a positive review of our own life later?

Shy v.s Introvert v.s Anxiety or other disorders

Every child is unique - it is imperative for us to know what we can do to improve a child's shyness. However, at the same time, we should distinct between whether a child is being shy v.s a child being an introvert v.s a child having anxiety or other disorders.

In the first description (a child is shy), parents and caregivers can create social settings to encourage and build children's confidence and comfort levels when meeting people. If a child is more of an introvert, it means that he/she enjoys time alone and would become emotionally drained after spending a lot of time with others. Often, they will need just one or two close friends to maintain their social well-being. Lastly, there may be some concerns if the first two are ruled out - the child may have anxiety, show signs of autism, or have selective mutism. These situations may result in children displaying behaviours of 'shyness' and it will be important for adults to understand the differences to aid in their children's development. Always speak to a professional or your preferred Pediatrician if you're in doubt.

Tips To Consider

Your child may be shy but there are methods which can help to alleviate and for you to boost their confidence and comfort levels!

First, be supportive towards your child to help them build his/her social self-esteem. Avoid criticising or labelling them (as "shy") because these actions would reflect to them that they are "just like that" and nothing can help them change.

The next time an outsider (or a relative whom your child does meet every weekend but would still shy away from) makes a comment about your child's shyness, reply that your child just needs some time to warm up and he/she will be a chirpy bird soon! This action will help your child think that you are on his/her side and this perception can boost their confidence significantly!

It is important to share with your child that it is fine to be shy but not to equate it with rudeness. Try goal-setting with your child by pre-empting them what you foresee happening in an upcoming social setting.

For example, you are bringing your child to meet a long-time lady-friend whom you have not met for a long time. Share with your child where this friend is from and what you might all be doing at the gathering - You can even discuss about something about this friend that you find might interest your child to ask your friend (e.g. your friend is coming from overseas and your child loves aeroplanes - let your child ask your friend about the plane ride!)

Next, let your child know you understand that he/she might not be ready to say hi immediately when they meet and that is okay. However, it will be nice to wave at your friend (instead of saying hi) to show that he/she is a nice child! Have this conversation several times on different occasions before the meet up. Pre-empts like such can prepare your child psychologically on what to expect and be ready when the moments come!

Let your little one know that it is alright to have feelings and you will be there with him/her. At the same time, avoid over-comforting as this may reflect a scary situation to your child which can accidentally increase the shy behaviour. In addition, when your child does little gestures, such as waving to the 'stranger' or stepping away from you after warming up, praise their bravery! Praises can show them that it is a good behaviour and they should do more of such! Key is to build their self-esteem!

Modelling is always a great way to share with your child on the do's and don'ts! To want your child to be less shy, or rather, be more comfortable in social settings, it will be imperative for you to be so as well.

Share some tips with your child on how you handle social settings. You may be 'shy' as well and be honest with your child about it! He/she will be excited to hear more and be willing to take on your little tips themselves.

We Say....

Shyness is not an uncommon trait, especially among Asians. However, with better knowledge about psycho-social development, we can help children to become more confident and comfortable with people through a supportive social environment. Having the knowledge and ideas on the areas to focus in each stage (age group) will definitely help in parenting journey as it will affirm your ability as a parent.

Every stage plays a big part in shaping one's psychosocial development. Among the 8 stages, the most important stage would be Stage 5 - age 12 to 18, with the earlier stages setting one fundamentally well as they enter adolescence (where they will discover who they are and what they want).

Speak to us if you wish to understand deeper about each stage and/or how you can address them better at home with your child. Remember, every child is unique and so are you!

[1] About Erikson