Must I Always Give Choices?

Why must I always give my child choices?

Why can't he/she just do what I want?

Is it okay if I don't give choices?

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We are often told that it is important and good to give our children choices. Yet sometimes, some situations make it tricky to offer choices - we may be torn between wanting to give choices and wanting to get over with the to-do.

Choices are important because they provide children with autonomy, but there are times when choices may not be advisable as they are yet capable to make good informed decisions. These are situations when parents should avoid giving (too many) options, or even options to children. For example, a primary school-goer wants to decide whether to go to school (not to go because he does not enjoy school, instead of valid reasons). In this example, the child may not be able to understand the rationale of attending school (for education, social, mandatory for children to go to school etc.) yet, that is where there should not be option to whether a child can decide to go or not.

Yet in most other situations, parents may find it difficult to offer choices - in terms of how choices should be given to their children. And you probably have noticed, this is one post that we use the word 'yet' so often. That's simply because we are often at a dilemma - how to balance the teaching and our emotions.

Tips To Consider

Offer choices that are acceptable to you: Key is you need to be okay with your offer of choices, and these choices should help you achieve your desired goal. For example, your child dislike eating fruits but you would prefer that he/she has a serving each day. Instead of asking "Do you want to eat fruits or not?", ask: "Would you like to have strawberries or apples for snack today?". The second type of question ensures that your goal is still attained, while at the same time, giving children the autonomy and feeling like they have made the choice to eat fruits, not you!

Offer choices from the start, not after. It is often hard to have your child choose after he/she has a certain expectation on what to do. Getting him/her to choose in such situations often leads to an undesired outcome, such as a meltdown. Therefore, it is important to pre-empt them and offer the choices before they become resistant to your intentions!

Keep to your choices: A frequent response/request from your child is one that's not in your provided option. Remind them about the options that you have given (A or B, there is no C) and follow through your offer. Avoid additional options so that you can keep to your limits. This helps children understand boundaries!

What Expert Says?

Let's first have a quick recap on Stage 2 of Erikson's Psychosocial Development Model on Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt. It occurs at about 18 months to 2/3 years old where children are focused on developing a greater sense of self-control. They question whether they can do things by themselves or if they are reliant on others for help.

Why is it important for children to have choices?

- It allows them to feel in control (& be confident) of themselves and be comfortable in their bodies

- Promote emotions regulations

- Practice critical thinking (when making choices and reasoning for their choices)

- Ability to make decisions independently (without others)

Cultivating these aspects will affect the development of other psychosocial stages later in their lives.

Choices are important because they can help to build parent-child relationships as children see their parents respecting their choices. In addition, they feel empowered and trusted as they are offered and given the ability to make their own decisions! With choices, you as a parent is showing your child the limits and boundaries - this is important for their executive functioning to have self-control!

We Say....

It is perfectly normal to experience challenges in providing choices. We do know the do's and don'ts. But often in reality, children's needs to experiment their boundaries, wanting to make their own decisions, us wanting to avoid meltdowns/tantrums will get the better out of us and we end up giving in to their request. We admit - it is a true challenge. But that's why we are here if you need a guide to better control/manage the situations at home :D