How Does Being A Tiger Mum Or An Overly-compassionate Mum Affect My Child's Self-esteem?
- communegroupgrow
- Feb 6, 2023
- 1 min read
Updated: Feb 14, 2023
"I need to call your school tomorrow, to understand why the dictation for next week is so long."
"I will pick you right after school, we will go to the new tuition centre before your piano class."
"This project seems difficult, I know you're tired from school, I will complete it for you."
What Expert Says?
Tiger mum & Panda dad, overly-compassionate mum & stern dad, helicopter parenting, gentle parenting - these are some of the many terms used today to describe how parents teach their children. Theories show that parenting styles can be broadly divided into four main types: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive[1] and neglectful / uninvolved[2]:
Image taken from verywellfamily.com (2022)
Authoritarian
Authoritarian parents are extremely strict. They expect their children to follow their rules with no discussion or compromise.
E.g. "I will pick you right after school, we will go to the new tuition centre before your piano class."
Authoritative
This group of parents are nurturing, responsive, and supportive, yet set firm limits for their children.
E.g. "I know you don't like to clean up the toys. Thank you for doing it."
Permissive
They are nurturing and warm to their children, but they do not (refuse to) set limits.
E.g. "This project seems difficult, I know you're tired from school, I will complete it for you."
Neglectful / Uninvolved
Neglectful parents do not respond to their child's needs or desires other than providing them their necessities (food, clothing, and shelter).
E.g. "I am busy, I don't know what you're talking about. Just do and what you think you need."
Research has shown that one's self-esteem is closely related to how they are brought up (their parents' parenting styles). Let's take a further look.
Self-esteem is how much we value and see ourselves. If we value ourselves more, we will feel better about ourselves. Studies have shown that those with higher self-esteem would be more willing to try new things and can face failures better. They will keep trying! Thus, having self-esteem helps children do better at school and have better learning and social outcomes![3]
If so, what can local research tell us about parenting styles on children's self-esteem?
The use of Chinese guan (管) style by fathers appears to be a predictor of self-esteem in adulthood - when fathers take on stronger guan (管) in their children's growing years, they grow to have higher self-esteem later (Ang & Sin, 2021).
Possible appearance of a fifth parenting style, filial parenting, in Singaporean Chinese families. Filial parenting refers to the almost unconditional love and care of both parents towards their one or two children. This form of parenting is observed due to the nature of lesser children and increased love and expectations towards each child. The adoption of this parenting style brings out children of lower self-esteem (Foo, 2021).
Father's authoritarian parenting style has a negative relationship with self-esteem. Fathers and mothers who practise authoritative parenting style would boost their children's self-esteem (Yeo, 2015)
These papers conducted in Singapore can help us understand a little more on how parenting style can influence one's self-esteem. While the findings share and influence, they are not representative of the entire population. Hence they should be taken as a reference for us to be more mindful and aware of our actions / behaviours that can affect our next generation.
Tips To Consider
If you find your child to have low self-esteem, fret not, because self-esteem can change as a result of one's life experiences and interactions with other people! Thus, you are never too late to help your child build it (YAY!).
Some of these strategies can help you focus on building your child's self-esteem:
With Preschoolers
Provide positive encouragements when your child is struggling
For example, your child lost the soccer game and he's struggling to accept the results because he felt he had put in his effort. You can try to praise him for his hard work which you have recognised, and encourage him to appreciate the game as a whole as well as the success of others.
We may mistake our encouragements to be encouraging when they are in fact not. Avoid using harsh or passive-aggressive tones when putting across your encouragements - children are able to sense negativity and would be less willing to persist through.
Offer to share some tasks with your child
For example, task your child to collect all the clothes for laundry or set-up the dinnerware. Preferably the tasks that you foresee he/she can finish without much help from you.
Ability to complete assigned tasks gives children some form of approval. Being able to share workload with the family will give your child a sense of belonging as you show trust in them to help!
Play games that encourage social play and winning/losing
For example, have a game or two with board games that encourage taking turns as well as fairness.
Take the opportunity to share with them that the process of playing ("Did you have fun?", "Was it a fair game?") is more important than the outcome ("I win! You lose!"). After all, that's part of life which we appreciate!
With Primary School Level Children
Have conversations that are more than just "Any homework for today?"
For example, look out for other highlights of your child's day. You can say "How was PE session today?", "What was the performance during today's assembly like?"
Consider checking in with them on other areas that are also crucial for their well-being before talking about close-ended (boring) questions. This helps them to lookout for other areas of themselves that make them feel worthy.
Encourage your child to try again when they don't get their ideal outcome. Apart from self-esteem, it is also building their resilience!
For example, when he did not manage to complete all the questions in time, you can try saying "I know you have tried your best. Were the questions too challenging? We can put more practise on working speed, and try again!"
With more possible competitions in school, children might feel inferior when they face some challenges. They will be able to see in more perspectives through the encouragements.
Check-in with your child on his social group in school as well as other learning centres
For example, you may ask "Who did you play with during recess time? Was it fun and lots of laughter?", "What is a topic that you and your friends have fun talking about lately?"
As children spend more time in school and gain sense of belonging through friendships, it is important for us to check-in with them on their social circle and understand how they are appreciating these friendships.
With Secondary School Level Children
This is when children enters the adolescence stage and they would probably experience the most transformations in the entire life cycle. This is likely one of the periods that they will experience big impacts on their self-esteem. Handling it well will help in their growth during the later adolescence stage, and vice versa.
Make room for failure
For example, when they face strong competitors, you can say "I will give you my best support! Have fun in the game and that's most important!"
It is likely that they will face more failures as possible competition grow. We can help to support them with the right amount of encouragements and praises to the process (and not the outcome).
Be a role model
For example, share with your child about some challenges that you face at work. You may say something like, "I am facing some hurdles with my current project at work. It seems like my team mates do not see the same as me. But, I have suggested a discussion tomorrow and would think it will be a success!"
Let them understand that challenges are part of life and the right mindset is the key to get through them.
Foster a growth mindset
For example, re-frame the challenges that they face into opportunities. Focus on values that help in development. You can say "I see how your determination grows as you face more challenging Math questions. It's so encouraging!"
This allows them to view challenges from another perspectives and they get to view long-term outcomes instead of short-term goals as the key success.
We hope these tips help you to foster higher self-esteem in your children!
We Say....
As we often hope/want our children to be successful in every task they participate, we tend to emphasize on areas that limit their growth. We might even hold tighter to their learning process which can disable them from picking up the necessary skills in early stages for success later in adulthood. With our tips above, you can see how much mindfulness is needed to shape our guidance to our children, so as to boost their self-esteem. Allow your children to gain space to help them frame the appropriate perspectives for true success in life!
Speak to us, if you would like to know how to better work on this.
[1] Baumrind (1971)
[3] KidsHealth (2018)
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